Thursday, August 7, 2008

TT # 15 - things I don't believe in


Thirteen Things I Don't Believe In


1. The Moon Landing - even though I have physically held a rock that "supposedly" came from the moon, and met and had conversations with 2 people who claim they've been there (Buzz Aldrin and James Irwin) - I'm just not convinced. Buzz had some mental health issues, and James became a religious fanatic - so I'm not taking their bona fides as bona fides. Hollywood can do anything. Jury is out.

2. The Lone Gunman Theory - I may have been born at night (11:56 pm) but I wasn't born LAST night. The Grassy Knoll is more than just the name of a great pop band, if ya know what I mean, jellybean.

3. While I'm on conspiracy theories - I don't believe that the Bush / Cheney administration was ignorant of terrorist plans for the attack on the Twin Towers, Pentagon etc... Let's also toss in the whole Hurricane Katrina debacle while we are at it - don't get me started.

4. That Elvis is alive, and well, and flipping burgers in a roadside diner in Butte Montana. I'd like to visit Graceland just to drive a spike through his mummified heart and put the rumors to rest. My sister is a big Elvis fan (and thank the Gods didn't name her only son after The King) but even she knows that Elvis has left the building. No encore. Turn on the house lights. Send the band home. The Fat Man has sung. Thank you, thank you very much.

5. That geriatric rock groups from the 50's and 60's should reform and be playing in casino lounges while cashing in on the memories of their aging fans. Especially if they were "one or two hit wonders" with no appreciable back catalogue other than their "One and Only Big Hit from the summer of '69" . If they do go on the road, the tickets shouldn't be more than $10/per original member still in the band. I'm sorry but "one original member" does not "A Nostalgia Act/Reunion Tour" make.

6. That telephone solicitors are inherently evil - they are just people doing a job, and who take a lot of grief and abuse and who are trying to earn a living. Doesn't matter if they are selling magazine subscriptions or taking a survey - they are doing what they need to do to make ends meet, and deserve at the very least a courteous "thank you, I'm not interested, and I understand you are simply doing a very difficult job - have a great evening" rather than a slammin hangup or a police whistle in their ear. As my old pappy would say "Couthen up" and treat the working poor with some dignity.

7. That Disco was evil. Its just music. The songs may have been stupid (more stupid than the rest of pop music?) but it really was just a 4/4 beat with a lot of hi-hat. Take me to Funky Town - you know you danced to it in secret in your living room. In your underwear.

8. That the Canada Food Guide makes any sense. When our agri-business is controlled by the monopolistic megafood producers, OF COURSE its going to reflect an unhealthy balance towards the high-profit crops. As a multi-cultural nation, we haven't been a meat and potatoes culture for quite a while now. The CFG needs to talk to a nutritionist or two that isn't in the pocket of the Food Corporations. And who aren't made of ethnic wonder bread.

9. That we, as individuals, can really do a whole heck of a lot to influence the current climate change crisis, but I do believe that it is important that we do all we can none the less.

10. That lifestyle should be legislated. I will follow this up with a TT13 that would be my election platform should I ever be lobotomized to run for public office. Watch this space.

11. we are a Christian nation - and therefor our statutory holidays should continue to revolve around the Christian calendar. See point 10. There will be clarification at a future time.

12. That Silence of the Lambs should have won any Academy Awards - or that Amy Winehouse should have won any Grammy Awards. Someone at Quality Control was asleep at the switch both times. WAKE UP! I demand a recount.

13. That the following are impossible - Peace in Our Time - A Roof over Every Head - A Chicken in Every Pot (or Tofurkey, as the case may be) - Clean Water in Abundance - Safe Streets regardless of postal code - Every Child a Cherished Child - Peace begins at Home and spreads to the World. War is Over if We Want It.



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